My brain hurts.
I'm beyond exhausted, and it doesn't look like the madness is going to stop any time soon. The past 3 days or so have been insane; I've helped arranged a cremation and a burial, set up a time to help clean out my grandfather's house, called and e-mailed people who've needed to be called and e-mailed, written Gramp's eulogy and let myself cry for the first time since it happened while on the phone with Dylan last night. Christmas Eve is the family get-together to semi-celebrate my cousin's birthday, then comes Christmas on Sunday and the funeral is Thursday afternoon. Everything is different this year, too. We haven't had the time (or will) to decorate our house like we do every year, we just got our tree yesterday, and here it sits next to me, undecorated. There's been no Christmas lights-looking, no fireplace-using...no nothing.
I'm scared. Really, I am. I don't want to do this whole funeral thing alone. I'm Tara. I'm supposed to be the one who holds people's hands and let's them cry on my shoulder. I'm the level-headed one whose survival and get-down-to-buisness instincts kick in faster than her mourning ones. I'm the one who goes for days without letting anything sink in because there's no time for grief when everyone around you is crumbling and you have to get things done in time for the coroner and an e-mail has to be sent to the officiating pastor.
Whose shoulder am I supposed to cry on, when everyone else is crying on mine?! I'm not really close to anyone in my family, and I'm not nearly as connected to my friends here as I am to Fox people. Oh gosh I want to go back to school, if not just to be away from the crying and the grief and the hopelessness.
This isn't a pity-party. I don't even care if anyone reads this or not...I'm just wiped out and sad because my grandpa's gone and because I'm not allowed to be sad yet.
I'm beyond exhausted, and it doesn't look like the madness is going to stop any time soon. The past 3 days or so have been insane; I've helped arranged a cremation and a burial, set up a time to help clean out my grandfather's house, called and e-mailed people who've needed to be called and e-mailed, written Gramp's eulogy and let myself cry for the first time since it happened while on the phone with Dylan last night. Christmas Eve is the family get-together to semi-celebrate my cousin's birthday, then comes Christmas on Sunday and the funeral is Thursday afternoon. Everything is different this year, too. We haven't had the time (or will) to decorate our house like we do every year, we just got our tree yesterday, and here it sits next to me, undecorated. There's been no Christmas lights-looking, no fireplace-using...no nothing.
I'm scared. Really, I am. I don't want to do this whole funeral thing alone. I'm Tara. I'm supposed to be the one who holds people's hands and let's them cry on my shoulder. I'm the level-headed one whose survival and get-down-to-buisness instincts kick in faster than her mourning ones. I'm the one who goes for days without letting anything sink in because there's no time for grief when everyone around you is crumbling and you have to get things done in time for the coroner and an e-mail has to be sent to the officiating pastor.
Whose shoulder am I supposed to cry on, when everyone else is crying on mine?! I'm not really close to anyone in my family, and I'm not nearly as connected to my friends here as I am to Fox people. Oh gosh I want to go back to school, if not just to be away from the crying and the grief and the hopelessness.
This isn't a pity-party. I don't even care if anyone reads this or not...I'm just wiped out and sad because my grandpa's gone and because I'm not allowed to be sad yet.
posted by Temair at 1:11 AM
3 Comments:
it sounds like you're doing a good job to me, tara. i owe you a hug when you get back up here.
Hey there you are not alone and I will be keeping you are in my prayers as is your grand dad. Loss is not easy and being the strong one for evreone else is also hard. remember that you need time too and that your friends (including me) are here to talk to all you have to do is ask.
my love and prayers are with you
jeremy
Sometimes I find I find it's easy to be myself... sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else.
utmxzpz.
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