"the shadows prove there's sunshine"

I went to lunch with my two other female cousins yesterday, at the invitation of one of them. Daniel (30) invited me and my other cousin, Christina (21), to go to lunch. This in and of itself scared the crap out of me because, out of every member of my family, I have gotten along least well with Chris, not to mention the fact that the 3 of us got into a huge confrontation while I was at school. Rumors flew, gossip buzzed along the family phone-line, and things got to the point that I was afraid to go home for Christmas for fear of open hostility from the two of them. We ate together yesterday, however, and all 3 determined that we were going to move on from that day as if no indiscretions had every occured on anyone's part of any kind at any point in history. This is revolutionary for us, seeing as how I basically recieved the silent treatment from both of them until I was 15 years old. Things are different now. We're trying to reconcile with eachother, and trying not to let the issues our mothers have with eachother (our 3 moms are sisters) effect our relationships with eachother as cousins and eachother's mothers as aunts. I have a feeling things are going to change now for the better.

After all the stress and tiredness and exhausted minds and hearts, the funeral finally happened today. It was wierd...I sat there and watched my mom, aunts and cousin cry their eyes out, I watched the picture powerpoint slide-show thing I put together, I heard stories about my grandpa's life and I remembered the tragedy of his death...and I never cried. Not once. Since my grandfather's death, I've cried once, for about 1 minute while I was on the phone with Dylan, and that was it. I feel inhuman or something...Like there's something wrong with me because I'm not as sad as I should be. I still don't think it's hit me. I'm not sure when or where it will, but I think that it's going to happen, and when it does, everything that's been pent up inside of me for the past 2 weeks will come rushing out, and woe to the person who happens to be there when the floodgates open.

I need routine. I need school and the solace it brings, mostly by the people who are there. I miss you guys.
See you next week!