You win some, you lose it all
Professional theatre is one of the most unpredictable forces of nature in the world...I was watching the 60th Annual Tony Awards tonight, putting my money on Patti LuPone to win best actress in a musical for the revival of "Sweeney Todd", but alas, in an unprecidented upset (not only to me, but also to everyone else by the looks on their faces) LaChanze took home the golden round for her role in "The Color Purple". I realize that this means nothing to 99% of the people who read this, but if you take anything from my heartbreak over that turn of events, take this: I have no freaking idea how the hell I will ever be able to make a living off of theatre.
Most other majors in college are relatively stable; engineering, nursing, ya know...all the hard ones ;0) Theatre has always been the black sheep of the academic family however, next only to art, in that the likelyhood of being able to "make it" in the professional world is next to none. With theatre, book learning isn't enough; you can't skate by by spewing facts that you've memorized. You actually have to be GOOD at it. But not just good...You have to be extraordinary. Hence my being screwed.
I am not extraordinary. It's true. I won't deny the fact that vocally and theatrically I'm talented. That's not bragging...that's just stating a fact. I am not, however, any MORE talented than all the other talented theatre students in the world who watched the Tony's tonight and squealed and clapped when Bernadette Peters walked onto the stage (*sigh*), and wished desperately that Alan Cummings wasn't gay (Ugh. It's ALWAYS the cute theatre boys...). I listen to musicals and I read manuscripts and I cry and I tear up and I get goosebumps and I pray to God that something amazing happens to break me into the world that I'm staking my future, my education and $100,ooo+ on.
I rarely ever say this because most of the time I get an indulgent smile and an insincere 'Well-good-for-you', which frankly is not only embarassing, but also really irritating. but I want to be an actor. It's true. I want to live the rest of my life doing theatre and nothing else. I don't care if I win a Tony, I don't care if I leave this world under a pseudonym and never get any world-wide credit...All I want is to be able to make a living off of acting, so that I can sing and perform and live other's lives to the fullest, and in the process, live mine. The chance of that happening is next to none. I know this. I always have. I perpetually question my own decisions and whether or not I need to change my major or go to a different school or look into another area of my interests. But then I watch a performance of "Assasins" at ART, or listen to "Parade" or read "Agnes of God" (for the 50th time), and I cry out of sheer awe at the dissonance of Sondheim and the resolutions of Jason Robert Brown, and I throw the script across the room out of the overwhelming desire to be Dr. Livingstone to someone else's Agnes.
Few people really understand what it's like to want to destroy the thing you love the most because you know that you will never get to experience it to the utmost and you would rather forget about it completely than watch someone else ravage it for all it's worth. Most look at you and shake their heads and wonder why your parents didn't make you do something more sensible with your time and money...Most of the time they make sure you know that the probability of it working out for you in the long-run is slim (even though you've been telling yourself that for years). But I love theatre. I love acting. I love singing. And I'm damn good at it too. But I'm also scared. I'm petrified that it won't work and I'll end up at some non-descript job doing something that anyone with a college degree could do, and going home that one night a year to watch the Tony's and feel my heart absolutely ache to be up on a stage and feel my non-existant opportunities laugh at me like some gloating belter who got the part instead of me just because she fits into the costume better.
I'm proud of my talents, and I'm excited about the growth I know will happen over the next few years (it's inevitable with a director like Rhett). I'm proud to be a theatre junkie. Now all I have to do is to make my life worth while and to pray to GOD that He didn't give me this desire and these gifts for nothing.
We'll see.
Most other majors in college are relatively stable; engineering, nursing, ya know...all the hard ones ;0) Theatre has always been the black sheep of the academic family however, next only to art, in that the likelyhood of being able to "make it" in the professional world is next to none. With theatre, book learning isn't enough; you can't skate by by spewing facts that you've memorized. You actually have to be GOOD at it. But not just good...You have to be extraordinary. Hence my being screwed.
I am not extraordinary. It's true. I won't deny the fact that vocally and theatrically I'm talented. That's not bragging...that's just stating a fact. I am not, however, any MORE talented than all the other talented theatre students in the world who watched the Tony's tonight and squealed and clapped when Bernadette Peters walked onto the stage (*sigh*), and wished desperately that Alan Cummings wasn't gay (Ugh. It's ALWAYS the cute theatre boys...). I listen to musicals and I read manuscripts and I cry and I tear up and I get goosebumps and I pray to God that something amazing happens to break me into the world that I'm staking my future, my education and $100,ooo+ on.
I rarely ever say this because most of the time I get an indulgent smile and an insincere 'Well-good-for-you', which frankly is not only embarassing, but also really irritating. but I want to be an actor. It's true. I want to live the rest of my life doing theatre and nothing else. I don't care if I win a Tony, I don't care if I leave this world under a pseudonym and never get any world-wide credit...All I want is to be able to make a living off of acting, so that I can sing and perform and live other's lives to the fullest, and in the process, live mine. The chance of that happening is next to none. I know this. I always have. I perpetually question my own decisions and whether or not I need to change my major or go to a different school or look into another area of my interests. But then I watch a performance of "Assasins" at ART, or listen to "Parade" or read "Agnes of God" (for the 50th time), and I cry out of sheer awe at the dissonance of Sondheim and the resolutions of Jason Robert Brown, and I throw the script across the room out of the overwhelming desire to be Dr. Livingstone to someone else's Agnes.
Few people really understand what it's like to want to destroy the thing you love the most because you know that you will never get to experience it to the utmost and you would rather forget about it completely than watch someone else ravage it for all it's worth. Most look at you and shake their heads and wonder why your parents didn't make you do something more sensible with your time and money...Most of the time they make sure you know that the probability of it working out for you in the long-run is slim (even though you've been telling yourself that for years). But I love theatre. I love acting. I love singing. And I'm damn good at it too. But I'm also scared. I'm petrified that it won't work and I'll end up at some non-descript job doing something that anyone with a college degree could do, and going home that one night a year to watch the Tony's and feel my heart absolutely ache to be up on a stage and feel my non-existant opportunities laugh at me like some gloating belter who got the part instead of me just because she fits into the costume better.
I'm proud of my talents, and I'm excited about the growth I know will happen over the next few years (it's inevitable with a director like Rhett). I'm proud to be a theatre junkie. Now all I have to do is to make my life worth while and to pray to GOD that He didn't give me this desire and these gifts for nothing.
We'll see.
posted by Temair at 11:29 PM
2 Comments:
you forgot cmco majors...
babababawahwhwhahhwhwhahwhhahwhwhahbeeneneen
enenenneenneneebeaw..
Wow. I love guitar solo's.
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