resistance is never futile
I had a sort of breakthrough tonight during the second "turn tail and run" phase I've had since my relationship with Jordan began.
While trying to discover what it really is that makes me wonder if our love is enough to last us forever, I hit on something that opened my eyes; I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I know I am capable of. I was raised with parents who instructed me in the arts of manipulation, condescension, and purposefully causing pain to those who love you, as an act of revenge or spite. I was their go-between, their messenger, and so I heard all of the phrases and memorized all of the looks and sighs and smirks that go along with tormenting another human being who you know will stay with you even though you treat them like shit. My mother and both of her sisters have been divorced at least once, and no one in my family is functional in any sense of the word. My mother treats my step-father with rarely anything other than a "you're an idiot" mentality, or anything closely resembling respect. My father treats my step-mother with the same indifference. And they take it. BOTH of them do. I was raised to be a power-house of a twisted and warped sort of "love", and I am terrified of it. I look at Jordan, and I see everything that is most important in my life. I also see his incredibly strong but caring and sensitive heart, and I see the possibility for great pain. I am terrified of causing that pain, and turning into that person that I don't want to be, but that I posses the strong potential to become. I pray to God that He gives me the strength of will to fight against that person. Jordan is too important to me for me to go quietly into that good night. He is a part of me. If I hurt him, I hurt myself.
While trying to discover what it really is that makes me wonder if our love is enough to last us forever, I hit on something that opened my eyes; I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I know I am capable of. I was raised with parents who instructed me in the arts of manipulation, condescension, and purposefully causing pain to those who love you, as an act of revenge or spite. I was their go-between, their messenger, and so I heard all of the phrases and memorized all of the looks and sighs and smirks that go along with tormenting another human being who you know will stay with you even though you treat them like shit. My mother and both of her sisters have been divorced at least once, and no one in my family is functional in any sense of the word. My mother treats my step-father with rarely anything other than a "you're an idiot" mentality, or anything closely resembling respect. My father treats my step-mother with the same indifference. And they take it. BOTH of them do. I was raised to be a power-house of a twisted and warped sort of "love", and I am terrified of it. I look at Jordan, and I see everything that is most important in my life. I also see his incredibly strong but caring and sensitive heart, and I see the possibility for great pain. I am terrified of causing that pain, and turning into that person that I don't want to be, but that I posses the strong potential to become. I pray to God that He gives me the strength of will to fight against that person. Jordan is too important to me for me to go quietly into that good night. He is a part of me. If I hurt him, I hurt myself.
posted by Temair at 12:47 AM
1 Comments:
Tara -
You play the game, and you have a possibility of winning or losing. Everything in you and in your relationship should be poised to win (that was a lesson I had trouble learning), because if not, then chances are you will lose. And losing sucks.
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