time to kill

Spring break just might be the most wonderful thing since sliced bread.
I'm sitting in my livingroom at home with the front door open. It's 70 degrees outside with an amazing breeze and as blue a sky as you can get through the smog of Los Angeles. Heather and Noelle are coming over to spend the night tonight and we're going to go to the Getty tomorrow. My mom and I might go to Disneyland on Monday, and if the weather is anything like it is right now, it couldn't be a more perfect day to go.
This break is just what I need. We open the show next Tuesday and I can't decide whether or not I'm excited or scared. Or both. Or neither. No one knows.

Well, time to go sit in my front yard and read. Hehehe...*sigh* See y'all in a week!

the green and orange

I'm sitting here listening to my Natalie McMaster CD (kudos Jeremy :0) and getting all pumped for this weekend, which promises to ROCK.
I'm going to a St. Patrick's Day festival in Portland at this amazing Irish pub/resturant called Kell's, and I'm SO EXCITED! Dah! This is one of those moments that I have every once in a while, where I know that I've got a billion things going on, and I should be stressing on them (which I usually am), but for this one moment, everything doesn't look too bad and I know that things are going to be fine. I get the time this weekend to go rock out to Irish bands, get exciting paraphanelia, watch step-dancers and eat soda bread...God is nifty.

I took the road less traveled by...It was less traveled for a reason.

Why is it that I can't just be happy? Why is it that I can't just say 'Thank you God for the incredible blessings that I have so undeservedly recieved' and leave it at that?

Nothing is working for me any more. Fox is wonderful and I love all my friends here, but they just aren't enough any more...The hole in me is shaped differently than it was before, and the people here aren't meant to be wedged into it. It's like the "square-peg-in-the-round-hole" concept.

This summer is driving me insane. Should I stay at Fox? I wouldn't have a car (i.e. no way off of campus), would more than likely be working grounds, and would only be able to visit my mother for 2 weeks out of those 8 months between summer break and Christmas break when I already haven't seen her since January. I would pull out my hair with craziness.
Should I then go home? I would be with my family, more than likely have access to a car, have more job options around me (assuming I could get hired anywhere), and not be stuck in a place as friggin boring as Newberg (admit it...It sucks sometimes). At the same time, I feel like if I leave here for the summer, I'm not going to want to come back. Yes I'll miss people of course, but I'm talking about coming back for good. It's like, I see where I eventually want my life to end up; I know that I want theatre and I want acting and I want those kinds of things around me and a part of me forever...It's just that there are so many different ways to get there, some more exciting, difficult, interesting, than others. All, however, are very risky. And very expensive, which is my biggest problem and always has been.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO! AGH! I'm not "good" enough artistically to break away from Rhett...I still have an infinite amount to learn from him (and in general) and I'm scared to death at the thought of trying to tackle another director or teacher at another school, when I haven't even really begun to understand what I'm learning here. I have zero, and I mean zero confidence in myself as a performer and an artist, and that's something that I'm working on because I know I will never be any good until that changes.
I'm just scared. Really scared. I'm talking and praying and listening and not hearing anything and that's scaring me. I know that it has nothing to do with whether or not God is there...I know He is...What's scaring me is the thought that I will never hear and end up staying here (or leaving for that matter) and it won't be where God wants me and then my life won't be as fulfilling and amazing as He wants it to be. Whatever He wants me to do, I'll freaking do it! All I need is to know what "it" is!
It's amazing how you can feel so alone in a problem that you know so many people are facing too.

I've gone to a small, private school every year since 1st grade. Fox was a good seg-way out of high school...Maybe it's time to try other roads? I dunno...I'm just scared. Really scared. And ashamed of my own discontent.