"the shadows prove there's sunshine"

I went to lunch with my two other female cousins yesterday, at the invitation of one of them. Daniel (30) invited me and my other cousin, Christina (21), to go to lunch. This in and of itself scared the crap out of me because, out of every member of my family, I have gotten along least well with Chris, not to mention the fact that the 3 of us got into a huge confrontation while I was at school. Rumors flew, gossip buzzed along the family phone-line, and things got to the point that I was afraid to go home for Christmas for fear of open hostility from the two of them. We ate together yesterday, however, and all 3 determined that we were going to move on from that day as if no indiscretions had every occured on anyone's part of any kind at any point in history. This is revolutionary for us, seeing as how I basically recieved the silent treatment from both of them until I was 15 years old. Things are different now. We're trying to reconcile with eachother, and trying not to let the issues our mothers have with eachother (our 3 moms are sisters) effect our relationships with eachother as cousins and eachother's mothers as aunts. I have a feeling things are going to change now for the better.

After all the stress and tiredness and exhausted minds and hearts, the funeral finally happened today. It was wierd...I sat there and watched my mom, aunts and cousin cry their eyes out, I watched the picture powerpoint slide-show thing I put together, I heard stories about my grandpa's life and I remembered the tragedy of his death...and I never cried. Not once. Since my grandfather's death, I've cried once, for about 1 minute while I was on the phone with Dylan, and that was it. I feel inhuman or something...Like there's something wrong with me because I'm not as sad as I should be. I still don't think it's hit me. I'm not sure when or where it will, but I think that it's going to happen, and when it does, everything that's been pent up inside of me for the past 2 weeks will come rushing out, and woe to the person who happens to be there when the floodgates open.

I need routine. I need school and the solace it brings, mostly by the people who are there. I miss you guys.
See you next week!

fghk;yeoihes'dgjh. So there.

Christmas rundown:
1. no time to decorate our house
2. my cousin giving me the silent treatment/hating me due to family rumors
3. all of my Christmas money going to books for school
4. my grandpa's funeral in 4 days
5. the longest week of my life

........

...meh.

My brain hurts.
I'm beyond exhausted, and it doesn't look like the madness is going to stop any time soon. The past 3 days or so have been insane; I've helped arranged a cremation and a burial, set up a time to help clean out my grandfather's house, called and e-mailed people who've needed to be called and e-mailed, written Gramp's eulogy and let myself cry for the first time since it happened while on the phone with Dylan last night. Christmas Eve is the family get-together to semi-celebrate my cousin's birthday, then comes Christmas on Sunday and the funeral is Thursday afternoon. Everything is different this year, too. We haven't had the time (or will) to decorate our house like we do every year, we just got our tree yesterday, and here it sits next to me, undecorated. There's been no Christmas lights-looking, no fireplace-using...no nothing.
I'm scared. Really, I am. I don't want to do this whole funeral thing alone. I'm Tara. I'm supposed to be the one who holds people's hands and let's them cry on my shoulder. I'm the level-headed one whose survival and get-down-to-buisness instincts kick in faster than her mourning ones. I'm the one who goes for days without letting anything sink in because there's no time for grief when everyone around you is crumbling and you have to get things done in time for the coroner and an e-mail has to be sent to the officiating pastor.
Whose shoulder am I supposed to cry on, when everyone else is crying on mine?! I'm not really close to anyone in my family, and I'm not nearly as connected to my friends here as I am to Fox people. Oh gosh I want to go back to school, if not just to be away from the crying and the grief and the hopelessness.
This isn't a pity-party. I don't even care if anyone reads this or not...I'm just wiped out and sad because my grandpa's gone and because I'm not allowed to be sad yet.

Willis Alfred Hood Jr.

My grandpa died this morning...57 years of chain smoking, marijuana and alcohol gave him lung cancer and emphizema and they took him away from me today. Worst part is, he didn't know Jesus. He hated religion of all kinds and never became a Christian, which means I'm never going to see him again. I'm just glad I got to visit him again before he went. The last thing I heard him say was "Stop pulling on the damn blankets!" as my mom tried to cover his feet while he was laying in his hospital bed last night. Honestly, I'd rather have my redneck, cussing-like-a-sailor grandfather than none at all. At least that way he'd still be here and there'd still be a chance. This is the first time I've ever felt truely hopeless.

money well spent

One thing most people know about me is that I hate, HATE shopping, but I was thoroughly surprised at myself when my mom and I went shopping today at the Glendale Galleria. It probably had to do with how productive the trip was; I came out with 2 new pairs of jeans and an amazing pea-coat from the GAP, an exciting green army-ish shirt from Mervyn's and a Christmas present for Dylan, not to mention that I visited a friend of mine at his work and made him happy...The day was surprisingly fun. Of course, my almost already non-existant tolerance for mall shopping ran out quickly and we left as soon as all the necessary items were bought. I guess the moral of the story is...hmmm...Well, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that there is a moral. Oh well.
Have a great Christmas everyone!

done and done

All my tests are officially over and done with. I have one more power-point presentation that I have to give tomorrow at 8AM (and put together tonight), then I leave for my 1:17PM flight out of PDX for Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, California.
I am so ready for this semester to be done. Things have been kinda awkward these last fews months and alot has happened, but I'm really excited to see what happens in the spring. I'm cultivating friendships and growing closer to amazing people, which makes me happy. But I'm also maintaining and fine-tuning relationships that I already have and wouldn't give up for the world.
Oddly enough, I'll only be going 3 whole days before hanging out with Fox people again. There's a men's basketball game in LA on Tuesday (and 2 others within 1 hours driving distance on Monday and Thursday), so me and several of my closest high school friends are meeting up with a group of So. Cal resident Fox students (including Kevin Bennie, Justin Hudec...YOU know...exciting people) for dinner and then the game. I've already filled my friends in on the maniacle cheering practices of the GFU basketball fan, including the rule that you're only allowed to sit down during half-time and full time-outs...Other than that, you're on your feet from the time the starters are announced till the final buzzer. It's gonna be kinda wierd having Fox people meet high school people; it's like my two worlds are melding...Bizarre...So yay for my friends meeting fun GFU people and the only guy on the basketball team that I actually know (ie. Phil Heu-Weller).
I'm excited!

rebound

...And then I have an amazing time with my best friend (and an even more amazing time, however brief, with Mr. Wonderful) and I wonder why I would ever want to leave.

I'm still thinkin' that the whole "communal residence" thing would be a good idea. Seriously, I want to just rent a house with 5 or 6 of my best friends and live there forever. Oh the riotous fun that would ensue...*sigh*...

brand spanking new

Right now I'm hurt and angry and sad and sick of crying and tired and my head hurts because I'm crying and tired and I need to go home and be away from the people that make me like this, however unintentional it may be.
Once again I'm reminded of my need for a new life and new experiences and new people, and once again it sucks that I can't afford it. 2 more years and then I'm done with Fox and I can run away to another country. April 2008 isn't that far away, right?

Mr. Wonderful

Slowly but surely I'm finding my change of pace within Fox's social structure...I hung out with some people last night that I had never hung out with before (minus Dania), and it was pretty exciting cause I think I made some legitimate new friends, which is always a plus. Not to mention the fact that I got to spend some one-on-one time with a very exciting man that I haven't gotten to see much of this year (who my friend Lexie has more than aptly nicknamed 'Mr. Wonderful'). Nothing deep or profound...Just a decent length walk by ourselves, re-getting to know eachother and becoming friends all over again. Yay for that. Yay for realizing that there are some people in this world who really are worth getting to know simply because they have more to offer. Alot more.

blaaaah

It's a good thing we only have one more week of classes before finals, cause I'm starting to not care diddly-squat about all this trash called school. I'm annoyingly sick, which means that I'm sick enough to feel trashed, but not sick enough to be legitimately out of comission and feel justified in not going to class. This sickness has not only made me sound like a man for the past 3 days, but also makes me have little to no desire to do anything other than sleep and watch movies all day.
2 weeks from tomorrow and I'll be in So. Cal sleeping in my own bed and being a non-student for 3 whole weeks! Oh the joy.