oh the power of the sung note!

What's your primary soul-toucher? Some people are touched by art, some by dance and some by simple things like a smile or laughter. My emotional recharge outlet is defiantely music. Singing is how I get out aggression, express sadness or show my deepest joys. It is also how I am most effected by people. I know how much of yourself it takes to sing in front of people, so I am most touched when a person is willing to put themselves out there and sing for whatever reason or another.
Not only that but (and I am admitting this to you people so be nice) a guy's voice is often one of the biggest attraction features for me. A good solid baritone, bass or (the best) tenor makes my knees go weak (literally...I'm serious! It's happened before!).
I heard something tonight that reinforced alot of feelings for someone and it's both annoying and exciting. It's annoying because I know that he's way too good for me and no matter how amazing, sincere and (most importantly) Godly of a man he is, I will never matter to him the way he matters to me. It's exciting however because it kinda blew the wind on a flame and made it grow bigger (you know; that jittery feeling you get when you realize that you actually know someone THAT incredible)...which actually kinda brings it full circle back to annoying. See, I hate wanting things that I can't have. I sincerely HATE it. So, when I remember "Oh yeah! He's pretty much the most amazing person I've ever had the priveledge to meet and call myself friends with!", it kinda simultaneously brings me down cause nothing will ever come of it.

Oh well...I guess it's up to God to toss the flame-dowsing water from Heaven until the right person comes along.

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

Here is my promised photo of when I went to the beach during Home with Hannah weekend. This is why I love Oregon beaches so much more than California ones!

much appreciated

It's amazing what a little talking/pillow fighting with (not to mention getting your hand crushed by) your best friend will do for a person...I feel better now. Thanks Dylan!

Lord help us...

GAH! People are so STUPID! I have the incredible urge to put my fist through a wall...but since they're made of brick, I think I'd do more damage to myself than the wall. So, I'll have to content myself with being pissed at stupid people and pray that God will miraculously cure them of their idiotic naivete.

Eyes of doom!

Why are guys so scary? I mean, there are certain guys here at Fox that I know well enough, but who I get scared to death if I'm talking to them one on one. Then there are those who I don't know very well at all but am completely relaxed with...Curious...Ex. I was talking to one of said "scary men" today and I couldn't even look them in the eye. It's just annoying

Housing has become the bane of my existance. Why can't people just stick with what they say they're going to do?! Why is everyone so indecisive and worried about hurting everyone's feelings and junk. COME ON PEOPLE!

I talked to Dylan last night, which was nice. It's been a while since we've really talked to eachother (probably because there hasn't been anything to talk about). I kinda get the feeling that I'm his advice vending-machine or something. We don't have any in depth conversations unless something has happened or one of us has a problem. I mean, if there IS something wrong, all bets are off and we talk for hours, but if there's nothing new, we just make fun of eachother until it's time to go to bed, then it's hugs and good-night. It's fine though; I like having a friend that I can have unlimited amounts of fun with and still count on for help if I need it. Yay for Dylan.

earth to me

So I have just discovered that half the people in my life have blogspot (I'm slow like that), which means that I'm going to have to start watching what I say.
Actually, since pretty much nothing of what I say has ANYTHING to do with Erin, Maves, Kyle, Haskel or James, I'm just going to trust that they will KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT about what they read here *ahem ahem*.

To bed...

oh Lordy!

I got home last night around 6 PM from my week-long trip to Ashland, OR, and have discovered that I have chosen to enter the most LIBERAL field of work I could possibly have chosen! Seriously though! Are all theatre people pacifistic lunatics who hate Bush and use f*** in every sentence?! I sure hope not, cause then I'll stick out like a sore thumb. Not to mention the fact that althought I ADORE Ashland (I mean, it was built specifically for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival...how could you NOT love a town with Elizabethan hotels, Shakespeare banners on their light posts and a Shakespeare gift shop?!), it has got to be the most radically liberal town in Oregon. I guess you can't really expect much else from a town almost entirely inhabited by theatre people...What have I gotten myself into?

the Pit of Despair...

So, normally I have a point to what I write on here, but for some reason I just feel like getting everything kinda purged out of my system. Maybe it's cause I just finished watching The Notebook and I'm feeling all vulnerable and stuff...I dunno. ANYWAY, if you're looking for a story or something interesting like that, turn back now, cause I'm just gonna let it rip:


I've lately been thinking about how lonely I've felt. I mean, I know that I have great friends here, but there's something missing. Dylan and I are close, but there's a part of our friendship that hasn't developed yet and I'm feeling it's absence. I can't quite describe it...it's like I finally have that desire to find my soulmate, ya know? I'm perfectly satisfied being single, but there's this desire in me to have someone that I can pour out my heart to without any reservations. My heart just feels so sad right now...so heavy. I want to talk to someone, but everyone is pretty much in bed (it IS 2:30 AM afterall) and my roomate is gone for the weekend...maybe I'll go see if anyone is out in the lobby and I'll go write in my journal and read my Bible...yeah. That sounds like a good idea. I guess this isn't going to be as long as I thought it was going to be...

two shots in one night

Too bad Eli totally made me cry tonight.
We were at the basketball game and Eli and a friend that was visiting came over and sat with us (Eli ended up sitting next to me). Now, I get kinda riled up at games, but not any more than the typical fan. I mean, there were defiantely other people around us who were alot more into it than I was. Eli leans over at one point and says, "It's a good thing you're yelling loud enough for the both of us...I don't really have to say anything!" I kinda laughed it off and tried to tone it down a little bit, but our team was playing horribly and the refs were calling really badly, so I started getting into it again. During one play, I yell "Come on defense!" and Eli says, "It's a good thing you said that. I'm sure once they heard you, they thought 'I should start playing defense now!'" I don't usually get offended that easily, but he'd been sarcastic the whole night and the way he said it was not very jokingly. I stopped cheering period and tried to keep from crying (which was very difficult). He eventually started talking to me again, asking me what had happened when he didn't understand a call that was made or something, and he says "I was just joking...I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." and that was the end of it...it definately hurt to be snapped at by Eli though.
Dylan is staying overnight with Laura at Linnfield. Apparently, they allow guys and girls to sleep in eachother's rooms...I'm not sure how I feel about them sleeping in the same room together. Actually, I am sure. I don't think it's a very good idea at all, but Dylan's a big boy and can take care of himself, so I'm not going to say anything about it. He's coming home Sunday cause his parents are visiting. I'm leaving for Ashland for a theatre competition on Monday at noon, so I made some sort of comment about not being sure whether or not I'd see him before I left since he was gone all weekend and his parents were gonna be here on Sunday. He told me, "Don't worry about it. There's no way I wouldn't see you before you left. We'll see eachother." and gave me a hug.
Brianna asked me yesterday whether or not I liked him and I told her no, Noelle told me today that buried somewhere, I had feelings for him and we'd end up getting married, and Emily asked me when Dylan was going to dump Laura and he and I would get together and have this wonderful friendship-based relationship and get married. I assured all of them that they were wrong, but they won't listen...no one listens when it comes to Dylan and I...

and there's a giant L on my forehead!

And I feel like a total LOSER cause once again I realize what a girl I am and how I WAS overanalyzing things. I saw Dylan for a few minutes today and things were fine and we talked before he left to get food and everything was fine. I hope we get to talk some more tonight...I miss him. GEEZ I'm such a girl!

???

I've decided that for this blog entry, I'm going to allow myself to overanalyze to my heart's content because I'm really confused about what's happening with Dylan...If all of this means nothing and there's nothing going on, then WONDERFUL, but I'm going to rant and rave for a while cause that's what a blog's for (and I've already chewed my roomate's ear off).
I didn't see Dylan at all yesterday (which wasn't surprising seeing as how we got home so late from bowling and whatnot), but I did see him today and what happened (or DIDN'T happen I should say) didn't inspire much confidence in our relationship. We were both in the lobby for at LEAST 1 1/2 hours and he never spoke to me once...he never even looked at me or acknowledged my presence in any way shape or form. He's never done that before...It makes my heart sad...Why is he acting like this? I mean, just a few weeks ago, he's telling me that I'm one of his best friends and talking to me about everything, but now he doesn't even say hi or even pretend to care that I'm around. I dunno...I guess I'll wait and see what happens.

no go...

I auditioned for the spring play yesterday and it went really well. The director requested me read again for a specific part and she really liked what I did...but apparently she liked Susanne Cordner better cause SHE got the part that I auditioned for. According to Rhett, the theatre dept. head, it came as close as it could come between Suz and I. I just want to know what it was about her that tipped the scales in her favor...I guess there's always next year.

FUN FUN FUN

Last night was SO MUCH FUN! Actually, all of yesterday was really fun. I didn't get up till about 11, then I ate lunch and watched Cinderella with a bunch of the girls on the floor (and Dylan...he just laughed at us being so girlie the whole time), then I went and saw Coach Carter, back to school and eat dinner, then back to the room to prepare for the homecoming basketball game (curling hair, tying ribbons, writing things on faces, lots and LOTS of glitter, etc...), then I went to the game (which we WON! that's RIGHT SUCKA!) and stood next to Dylan for all of the 2nd half (THAT was an interesting experience, let me tell you), and then Dylan asked my to go nitro bowling with him, Wes, Moto, Wolfer, Katie, Dania, her sister and her friend visiting from home. It was alot of fun, especially since I haven't been able to go bowling in about 3 years because of my knees and ankle. After that we went to Sheri's and ate and I sat next to Dylan and he threw sugar at me the whole time pretty much...I wouldn't have traded last night for anything...
Unfortunately, the evening was somewhat tainted b/c Moto's ex-girlfriend who just broke up with him, called last night in tears and wanting to talk to him, so he left the table at Sheri's and was gone for the rest of the meal. Everyone but Dylan and I rode back to school with Wes, while Dylan and I waited for Moto. He drove us home while he was still on the phone, so I don't know how things went...I'll ask Dylan later today...if he ever gets out of bed...Afterall, we didn't get home until 3:45, so I have a feeling that he won't be getting up until rather late in the day.

...and I cried.

You ever had one of those days where lots of little things seem to go wrong and you feel like crying or something? I had a night like that.
The gorgeous blue scarf that my mom crocheted for me got burned by a hair straightener so now there's a huge rectangular black, brown, and orange burn on one end with a few little burns here and there...so I cried alot about that. THEN, one of the girls on my floor totally snaps at me and chews my face off for saying that some other person's dog was ugly.
I just feel like curling up in a ball with my head on Dylan's shoulder and crying for a while...I finally got to talk to him tonight and it was really good to talk to someone that WASN'T a PMSing female. I guess he and Laura were fighting (again) and he just didn't feel like talking to anyone, which is fine with me. I'm just glad he's better though cause then he spends an hour talking to me and trying everything he can think of to cheer me up cause I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at ANY SECOND! GOSH! Sometimes I hate being a girl who's all emotional and weepy...it's a good thing that Dylan is such a good listener or I would go nuts seeing as the only other people I could talk to about this are girls and they're all emotional and weepy too. Once again, thank you so MUCH God for Dylan...he's a blessing that you've given to me and I love You and him for it.


And oh yeah...I got a really good hug too...those are nice...

i don't get it

Okay, so now I KNOW that something's wrong with Dylan. He's been logged off of MSN messenger all day (which is really unusual if you know him and usually means there's a REASON that he's not on); I saw him for a few minutes today after the Bruin Brawl and he was, besides incredibley muddy, in a weird mood. I'm not quite sure how to describe it...I'm just gonna let it ride out and see what happens though. He's one of those people that you have to give his space when he needs it, and it seems like he needs it right now for whatever reason. Things have just seemed different this semester; we hardly ever talk any more and I just feel really distanced from him. I think he's got some things to work out on his own, so I'm just going to leave him alone and he can come to me if he needs to. I just miss my best friend...

so, um...yeah

Life has been pretty boring lately...I had a Theatre History presentation that I had to give today and totally rocked though!
I'm going to a theatre competition in Washington the week of Valentine's Day, which should be really fun.
I'm wondering if there's something wrong with Dylan, cause he hasn't been talking to me really at all lately. No. Forget it. I'm just overanalyzing again...I need to remember that he is just like that sometimes. GEEZ I need to get over myself!
Yeah...so...there's nothing else going on, so I'm gonna go start on homework and finish putting laundry away.
bye then!