Thank you

Today I cried more than I've cried in a long time. The tears started when I went to tell Kyle good-bye, and didn't stop until I fell asleep in the car 1 1/2 hours later. I've only been gone since 11:00 or so, but I already miss everyone so much...It's the knowledge of the length of time that will go by until I see people again that makes me sad.
Kyle, Erin and Dylan...I am glad that my last night at Fox was spent with you guys. I love you all.

This whole "I'm sad about leaving" thing is getting old, huh? Alright then. You all know I love you guys, so I'm gonna stop talking about it.
I'll see you guys in a few months then. Take care.

I cried about leaving for the first time today. Kyle said something that triggered the tears and, oh look, here they came...

I got to spend some quality with some of my friends tonight and it was amazing. Just cuddling bunnies and watching turtles try to run through non-existant forests made my night worth it.

And the best part is that the night isn't over yet.

Tomorrow is the day of reckoning...

...I am SO not ready to reckon.

100% lethargy, 10% awakeness...wait...

No one knows what state I'm in right now...I think I'm starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep...And I still have two more tests...And I crashed in the lobby hardcore last night and wouldn't have woke up if my mom hadn't come and woke me up...And we're leaving tomorow and I don't think it's set in yet...And I'm trying to stay awake as I'm typing this because, oh yes, I'm falling asleep while I'm typing.

I can't think of a clever title for this post

I'm just going to be really honest with you folks...
I'm not ready to leave. I'm just not. I don't want to go home. I want to live here with all my friends and not have school and just be able to hang out with eachother and not split up this summer. I'm scared about not seeing people for a long time and about relationships fading. Then there's the fact that I just don't want to be away from some people for that long. I mean, 4 months is a long time to be seperated from someone that you love, especially when you don't know whether or not it is only going to be 4 months.

But at the same time, I'm excited for this summer and all the new people that I'm going to meet and all the new things that are going to happen.

I've never felt this conflicted about anything before.

pink styrofoam: my meal of choice

Tonight was officially the best night of my life at Fox.

There will never be another like it, and for that I am grateful because it would make tonight somehow less awesome.
I saw a whole nother side of someone I thought I knew, and it scared/made me really happy.

Tonight definately has it's downside though...

tonight has made leaving Fox that much harder to do...

but, I still wouldn't trade it for the world.

a man comes to a fork in the road...

There are so far only 2 things in my life that I absolutely regret. Obviously, every once in a while I'll think "GEEZ! I really wish I hadn't done that!", but as far as true regret goes, there have only been 2. I think I can add spring formal to that list now...Not that going was a bad thing and I regret it, but there was something I wanted to do while I was there, something I wanted to accomplish with one of my friends, and I never did...Why? Cause I'm a wuss who doesn't have enough guts to get in there and push through a potentially awkward situation to get to where I need to be. Nothing earth-shattering will happen because I didn't get out there and do it; no friendships will be lost or feelings be hurt...but there's something in me telling me that because I didn't just go up to the person and do what I'd been telling myself the whole night that I was going to do, I missed out on something huge. I don't know...That's what I hate and love about different avenues of action; once you choose one, you can never know how the other would have made things different. I guess we'll just wait and see what comes of not taking the inititive.

So, the PCWB barbeque basically rocked today! I mean come on! How could you go wrong with playing volleyball for over an hour, eating hamburgers, giving the RA's their gifts and watching Dylan and Kyle battle for the ages with spatulas?! I enjoyed this evening very much...that is until I had to leave early to go call the stupid show! Oh well...tomorrow is the last one and we have strike tomorrow night (which is always fun; we get to rip up the set with heavy metal objects and eat pizza!), not to mention the judge from the American College Theatre Foundation is coming to watch and critique us...ALL of us (myself included).

Oh, and then I watched "The Perfect Score" with Bree, Heather (both of them), Ana, Haskell, Sam, Eli and Bohl...and then Bree and I attacked Eli with condiments in the lobby and he pelted us with marshmallows...It was fun though!

Anyway, I included a picture of Kyle and Dylan that I took today. Note the camera in Kyle's hand and the hamburger buns in Dylan's...You can see where their priorities lie...

come out come out...

Some times I think that I am so good at hiding things, I hide them even from myself. I'm happy and content and loving my life and my friends right now...It's gorgeous outside and I am living on 4 1/2 hours of sleep, but I don't even care because what I gained from staying up until 4:00 AM is worth every ounce of tiredness that I could possibly feel as a result of it. And in the midst of all this incredible happiness and sudden desire to run home and spend the say at Disneyland (ah yes...the happiest place on earth...), I realize things about the people I love, and I wonder how the heck I missed it before, but then I realize that I've known it all along and have been so intent on hiding it from them that I've hidden it from myself and then I wonder how bad of a thing that really is and what else I'm not realizing about myself and my relationships with other people because I'm so scared of it coming out into the open *breath*. There are going to be alot of changes in my life at home this summer...Alot of new people in my church family, at my work, in my life in general, and I wonder how it will effect me and my relationships that I have built at Fox and that I still have as a result of going to school with the same people since 1st grade. I'm excited and scared to see where things go this summer and what new things will happen to me within the next few months and the rest of my life.

Yay!

results of a time of prayer

All my daily problems are meaningless besides the one that I am not enough like Christ. He is eternal and my troubles, thank God (literally), are not.

Prayer rocks my TRASH and I can never get enough...and God can't either.

I love everyone in this building and only want God's most amazing blessings on them all. Live for the love of Christ, both given and recieved.

The greatest praise that I can give You, the most powerful and all-encompassing thanks that I could offer, is to thank You for being You, because You are God and You are sufficient.

"Wait...WHO'S Alexandre Dumas?"

Sometime's I love it when you can have a conversation with someone and not be sure whether or not either of you are joking or are serious. It's like, you could be serious, but if you were, what y'all are talking about would be kinda big...If you were joking, than it'd be funny. But since you can't tell what the other person is doing, it gets kinda confusing. I had one of those recently. It was sorts scary.

YAY!!! (*tear*)

I feel kinda guilty right now...You see, there is a girl from our floor sitting in my room and crying because she's having trouble with classes and money and stuff, and I should feel badly for her...but I'm just really really really happy! I got my financial aid letter from school today and Fox is covering over half of my tuition for next year, leaving me with not much to cover myself. Given all of my money mess that's been going on, this is a HUGE blessing and I'm really happy about it right now! Woot!
Alright. Got that out of my system. Time to go be sad for someone.

happy happy happy

So, today was a rather interesting day...one unlike any I have had in a long time. Why you ask? Because it was FUN! I went to church with Bree, Heather and my roomate, then I ate breakfast, and then I started to watch a movie with Noelle and Heather Monk, but was disrupted with an impromptu shopping trip with Bree and Jessica O.G. And even though I didn't get anything, it was still great. We got hit on by this store employee and some creepy Mexican guys were staring at us...*sigh* Aaahhh...the good times.
ANYWAY, I've been watching "Friends" with Bree for the past 2 1/2, but that was after I spent 30 minutes in Bethany's room trying to convince Haskell to go to spring formal and to tell all his happy little Penn 1 friends that they need to go too. What will the rest of the night hold in store? I couldn't say...All I know is that it's nice to not be in Woodmar for once and I wouldn't mind sitting and reading blogs back forth with Bree for a while longer...like I'm doing right now.

Yay for happy people!
Yay for happy days!

*INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG HERE:*
Even though I am sick and tired of Woodmar, that doesn't mean that y'all shouldn't come see the show...so DO! It will make my happy heart complete.

i give up.

Things in my life are changing so quickly and some of the changes are breaking my heart...
There is a particular group of friends that I have who I used to be completely comfortable around, but now the dynamics have changed in a specific way, making me the square peg in a world of round holes (i.e. I no longer belong and I'm being inadvertantly pushed and nudged out of this circle of friends). It's not intentional...I know they're not sitting around and thinking up ways to make me uncomfortable, and it's not really anything that they can change. They're lives are different than mine now, and that difference is making it so that I can't be a part of "us" anymore. The worst part is, I feel like I'm loosing one of my best friends in the history of my LIFE because of it. I know that in they're mind, nothing has changed, but on my end...everything's different. We can hang out on our own and things are fine, but it's when the additional members of said "group" are added to the mixing pot, things are through into a whole new realm and I have a flashing neon sign over my head that says "LOOK AT ME! I'M THE ODD ONE OUT!"
And what's the difference that's making my life so sucky? What is it about me that has me pushed to the outskirts?

I'm single.

breakAleg1

Opening night is over with no major glitches to speak of, and the audience seemed to respond well to it, so that was good.

1 down, 5 to go...

perspective

I read my previous blogs and mentally smack myself for all the complaining I do. It's so easy get caught up in the problems of life and forget all the incredible blessings that God has given us. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's really true; I'm not saying that the bad things that happen aren't legitimate, but in perspective of the world and all it's problems, my getting evil looks from the show cast and not being able to go home more than once a year are absolutely nothing. Instead, I need to be thanking God for giving me the opportunity to attend college away from home that has a theatre program confident enough to hand the reigns of it's final show of the year over to a freshman. I should be thanking God every day when I wake up instead of going over the list of crappy things I have to do that day.

God,
I'm so sorry for being ungrateful. You have literally given me more than alot of people in this world will ever hope to have. Please help me to keep my priorities straight and remember that as tough as things are for me right now, they're tougher for someone else. Thank you for everything you've given me...Help me to trust you in everything and have faith that your plan will follow through in my life. Thank you for being...You.

the proverbial back-breaking straw

Welp, at least something good has come out of all the emotional and mental destruction that is the play...I'm coming closer and closer to discovering my breaking point as an individual...uncomfortably close...In other words, if I bite your face off at some point within the next 2 weeks, know that it is most definately not your fault. I apologize in advance for any dismemberment, bodily harm or name-calling that might come to/happen to you within the upcoming month.

my apologies

I just realized how much I've been complaining on here...I'll stop now...

a problem never ceasing

I talked to my mom tonight and we worked out a plan for this upcoming school year if the money doesn't come through for Fox. As of now, I will finish off my gen eds at the local community college and work my butt off somewhere. It kinda scared me talking about it and actually coming up with an itenerary, cause that made the possibility of not returning even more of a reality. It was a total flashback to the end of last semester when I was sobbing in the prayer chapel and almost screaming at God out of frustration. But I then recall a conversation I had with Cary 4 to 5 weekis into the semester about this very topic, and the simple truth that I realized that night while I sat crying on Eli's bed and watching Cary design a soda dispenser:

No matter what I say or do, if God wants me here, I'll be here.

I will do all within my human power to make sure that the funds come through, but it all comes down to His will. If it is in His plan (which I pray it is) that Fox is where I live for the next 3 years, than it will happen. Whether or not it's through taking out loans until I explode or my parents winning the lottery, I will return within His will. Which leads me to the toughest part of this whole dillema: accepting it if God decides I need to be somewhere else. I know in my head that God's plan is best, but my heart is sad when I think that His plan might not go the direction that I want it to. All I can do is to pray for trust faith and to make sure that, in the end, my will aligns with His.

Eire

Great...now I'm starting to think in an Irish accent...

oh boy...here we go...

Every once in a while, a realization hits you upsides the head that sends you reeling and wondering which was is up and when you got confused. I had one of those a day ago...I realized that there are 21 days left until we all go our seperate ways for the summer.

Now, I'm not normally a weepy person, but when this did hit me the other day, I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. My heart hasn't hurt and dreaded something like that in I don't know how long...I've made friendships here that have been invaluable to my growth as a person. Bree: my "finish-eachother's-sentences" buddy, Erin: who never believes anything I say ;o) , Kyle: my "I'm pissed!" vent, Dylan (you happy now Kress?): what's there to say? My best friend...(you already know what I think of you, so why waste space, right?)

These goodbyes that will be happening soon are going to be harder than usual as well because of the fact that I don't know what's going to happen after the summer is over i.e. I won't know till the summer whether or not I will be able to come back, so these last weeks might be the last I have for a very long time.

There's not much more to say, other than this;
Don't take these last fews days with the people you love for granted.
Hug them every chance you get.
Tell them how much you love and appreciate them.

There's not much time left...don't waste it...

aaaaaaaand dead.

I don't think I've ever been this exhausted in my life...I'm mentally, emotionally and physically (those set pieces can get heavy after a while) worn down and I want to just quit the play and have a normal life right now. But I know that in the end it will pay off, and I can't very well up and leave the show right now without pissing ALOT of people off and forever isolating myself from anyone who has anything to do with theatre at Fox. All I need is a good backrub and someone to do my homework for me...Right...

boo hiss

Today was not good...actually it really sucked, from the time I went to bed (yes, I went to bed this morning; 3:30 AM to be exact) to right this moment, which would actually constitute as tomorrow. And I have a feeling that it will suck until the time I retire for the day...I hate days like today/yesterday.

don't dish it out...

Last night was really fun.
I played cards with Dylan and Jessica N.G. and Moto and CJ and it was fun...especially since I was in a really, REALLY wierd mood and was being kinda mean to everyone; witty insults and rebuttals (some of them completely uncalled for) just kept popping into my head and sometimes out of my mouth. Let's just say that about 20 minutes into our "hanging out"ness, I turned to Dylan and said "I'm just being a real bitch tonight, huh?" And he laughed and nodded and said that it was alright though cause it was funny.

I like my friends...

over an hour

I like my guy friends...they let me know that it's OK to be pissed some times...Yay for boys.

damned bloody useless

If I were to die, would anyone care? I mean, I know they would be sad, but would it be just because they lost a friend and someone who was in their lives, or would it be because I was gone...ME specifically...?
I know my parents and my family would, but what about my friends?

If I were to leave, would anyone really care that I had left?

I know that I have friends: Dylan, Bree, Suz, Heather...they are some of the best friends I have at Fox, and I know they care about me, but is it because I am a friend, or is it me MYSELF that they care about?

...I don't even know if I'm making any sense, and right now, I don't really care whether or not I am...
I need to go home and be around people that I know care about me for me and not just because I'm a nice person that they know.

...I just need to go home...