resistance is never futile

I had a sort of breakthrough tonight during the second "turn tail and run" phase I've had since my relationship with Jordan began.
While trying to discover what it really is that makes me wonder if our love is enough to last us forever, I hit on something that opened my eyes; I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I know I am capable of. I was raised with parents who instructed me in the arts of manipulation, condescension, and purposefully causing pain to those who love you, as an act of revenge or spite. I was their go-between, their messenger, and so I heard all of the phrases and memorized all of the looks and sighs and smirks that go along with tormenting another human being who you know will stay with you even though you treat them like shit. My mother and both of her sisters have been divorced at least once, and no one in my family is functional in any sense of the word. My mother treats my step-father with rarely anything other than a "you're an idiot" mentality, or anything closely resembling respect. My father treats my step-mother with the same indifference. And they take it. BOTH of them do. I was raised to be a power-house of a twisted and warped sort of "love", and I am terrified of it. I look at Jordan, and I see everything that is most important in my life. I also see his incredibly strong but caring and sensitive heart, and I see the possibility for great pain. I am terrified of causing that pain, and turning into that person that I don't want to be, but that I posses the strong potential to become. I pray to God that He gives me the strength of will to fight against that person. Jordan is too important to me for me to go quietly into that good night. He is a part of me. If I hurt him, I hurt myself.

stay

And yet even as I am so secure in the happiness of my future, and in the amazing things that are to come, I am petrified that they won't happen.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I hate what I see.
I wonder how in the world anyone could want this forever.
By "this", I mean "me".

We have fun together, and we laugh and cry and tickle and giggle and swing and play and slide and skip and spin...
But did you with her?
She is _____er than me...I just know it. No matter how much you deny it, I am lacking; less than she was/is in some way.
And one day you will see what I see. And one day you will look at me, and I won't be your angel any more, and you'll wonder why you are still here, other than out of a sense of duty and habit.
I cry, you cry, for and with each other.

And I must walk away from this...
I must walk away from 20 years of lies, towards you and Love, because they are completely and utterly synonymous in my brain.
If I don't...
If I stay buried beneath the rubble that I keep piling on myself...
We will suffocate. We will suffocate.
So I'm asking you to stay and be 2 more hands to throw away the rocks.
It may take years, but I promise that I will keep throwing.

I Love you.
You are my steady northern star...My light at the end of every tunnel.
I adore you. Forever.
And ever...

and ever...

and ever...

my very own "next big thing"

The future is a scary thing...I'm realizing that more now as I get closer and closer to the big event (i.e. college graduation). Only one more school year left, and then no more school. Ever. As much as it sucks some times, school is something that has been with you your entire life, so there is an element of stability and routine about it. Not anymore. I would love to get my MA in acting, but who knows if I'll ever be able to afford it (both financially and time-wise). My scholastic career is winding down, and it's daunting.
As scary as it may be, however, it is much less so than previously, because now I have something bigger and better to look forward to; a new phase of my life waits just over the horizon, and I am so excited to start the next phase of my life (and not alone, thank you very much :0) My existance no longer revolves around me alone, but also the other half of myself that I had been missing for 20 years. Now that he's here, however, I have something solid to look to; something sure and true that I can anticipate. It kinda makes all of this graduation stuff seem unimportant. I mean, why worry about my future, when he's standing right next to me?