you cause me to stumble

Sometimes I wish that all guys were ugly jerks...THAT way, life would be alot less, um, frustrating...But then I remember that wonderful people like some here at Fox are blessings from God and that I should be grateful to know them...which leads back to me wishing that they weren't so great cause then I get distracted.

GOSH!

homecoming: good or horrific?

I am returned.
Seattle was good...wet, but good. I must admit that it is a very beautiful city. It's kinda like LA, only cleaner and with more water around it.

I talked to my mom last night on the way home from Em's house and found out some very interesting things:

1. My high school principal has alzheimers
2. my mom's pet bird died
3. my cousin is now trying to get his life back together after his long string of mistakes led up to him getting his car reposessed (among other things)

and...

4. my family is a grinding, unending and torturous wheel of gossip and bad-mouthing that pounds all unfortunate enough to get trapped in it's steel teeth (not excluding myself) into a pile of fine dust and blows it away into a black hole of oblivion...

THere. THat's all.

the Tara store is closed!

Today was very, very social...Em and I went to lunch with her friends Luke and Sarah, then we had coffee with her friends Sally and Maggie (who were SO freakin cool!), then tonight we had coffee again with her best friend Amy and two girls from her school that she brought home with her, Kara and Danny. All in all, it was really fun and really tiring...I've never had to be that happy and perky for that amount of time, but it wasn't too hard.

Tomorrow, we're going to Saturday market and then to an improv club in downtown Seattle tomorrow night...I'm ready to be home already...I mean, I'm on vacation and I'm still getting emails from cast members saying that they can't be at rehearsal this week (which doesn't really effect me cause I'm not there either!) and from the director wanting to know if she can get to me script cause she doesn't have the blocking written down in her own script...GEEZ people! Be self-sufficient for ONE WEEK! PLEASE! Oh well. Comes with the job I guess.

Em's sister's dog, Luke, ate the cardboard sleeve from my Starbuck's cup tonight. It was funny.

R & R

I am sitting here in Emily's house smelling something REALLY good that her mom is cooking and I am so realxed!
Today was fun...Em and me and her friend Lisa all went to the waterfront market thing they have here in Seattle and I got a really exciting watch and a gorgeous Claddagh ring (which makes the whooooole trip worth it!) We're going to see the new Miss. Congeniality movie tomorrow with Natalie and I dunno after that. Em was really really sick with a fever and everything for the first few days, so we just sat around and watched TV (which was FINE with me!) I got to meet her King's Players friends and saw the campus and most of Seattle. It really is a beautiful city; kinda like LA, but actually CLEAN!
Well, I'm gonna go eat now...We're coming back on Sunday night, which I'm actually kinda happy about...(I miss everybody...)
Adios...

on the ROAD AGAIN!

Well, I'm off to Seattle for spring break this week. I'm staying with my roomate and her family, so it should be fun.

Gotta go pack pack pack!

*slumps to floor in utter exhaustion*

Oh yeah, and as of last night (AFTER I had already written the previous blog), I'm the stage manager for the spring show Dancing at Lughnasa, which means that I am in charge of the entire show. I make sure everyone is doing their job, I call the light and sound cues for the show, I make sure the props are where they need to be when they need to be there (along with the actors), I keep track of all things financial and schedule, etc...

Maybe I HAVE commited suicide...

*bang bang* you're dead

I have a migraine, a midterm and a test on Thursday, a speech and a paper due on Friday and an online test to take this weekend, three short papers to write and three inductive Bible studies that I have to finish before Thursday...not to mention a quiz I have to take tonight...
Can I just please commit educational suicide? I mean really...I just want to shoot my hypothetical self who actually CARES about learning with my hypothetical Glock .357 and die right in front of the Stevens Center; a message to those inside that somethings sucks at Fox and it needs to be changed.
Unfortunately for me, that hypothetical self that cares about learning is way too closely connected with my real self, and any damage done to it would probably severly injure me as well...too bad...

an evening

We went on roomies tonight.
...There's not much more to say...

"Local college student found with face chewed off through computer screen! Fraternal wrath deemed cause of death."

I just told my dad tonight about my tattoo...well, actually, I emailed him cause I don't want to talk to him on the phone...he might yell at me. You might be thinking 'Wow...you are a total wimp!' and you would be right! My dad was raised as a PK in the midwest Churches of Christ where they still think that TV was invented by Satan, women should not wear pants to church, and males and females need to be kept seperate when swimming (and don't forget to wear a t-shirt over your one-piece girls!), so the fact that his daughter got a tattoo might not go over too well. I guess we'll find out, huh?

p.s. Yay for growing closer to friends! I like it when I become better friends with people...it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

dedication to a friend and brother in Christ...

This post is for Aaron Maves, one of the best and most Godly and sincere men I've ever met in my entire life:

Aaron, our talk tonight was invaluable...You know how you said that God could speak to us through mediums other than directly from His mouth? Well, I think you were His medium tonight. You were the answer to the prayer I sent up to God today and I'm thankful for that. Whether you realize it or not, you were the catalyst for helping me make up my mind (which I did...let it lie and grow and have faith...) and I honestly think that your name was put into my head and heart by God as the person I needed to talk to. So thank you for your words of wisdom beyond your years and for your sincere encouragement (I don't get much of that) and affirmation that the road I'm taking is the right one...it's nice to hear it every so often...Love you!

p.s. Any time you want to talk about something other than yourself again, I'm always here to listen...or talk as the case may be...you know what I mean...

sunkin down

So, my heart feels really sad right now for some reason...
I'm not really sure what it is that's making me feel this way, but I have the overwhelming desire to just sit and hug someone for a really long time until it goes away...
I still don't know for sure what's going on with spring break, so I think that may be part of it (after all, I can't really just run on home like everyone else if nothing else works out). I was supposed to go home with my roomate, but I think she forgot and I feel kinda dumb reminding her...I dunno...maybe I'll just sleep under a bridge somewhere...


...I just feel really isolated and cut-off from everyone all of a sudden...even Dylan...and that NEVER happens...
like I can't relate to anyone right now and everybody has friends who love them except for me (which I know in my head isn't true, but my heart feels like it is).

...Maybe I'll go to bed...or talk to Maves...yeah. That's what I'll do...

sonnet #4562

This post is for Erin Kress.

Oh Erin. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

1. because you let me talk and talk and talk and work things out verbally and not only
tolerate it but encourage it as well
2. because you are honest and tell me when you don't believe me (you know what I'm
talking about...)
3. because you often have good things to say and insights to give than help me to think
4. ...

So, apparently I can only come up with 3 deep and thought-provoking answers right now...probably because I wasted all my thinking/brain power on the convo. we just had. It was definately worth it though Erin, so thank you.

P.S. Did you notice Erin? No highlighting!!! ;0)

what's your poison?

So, according to Dylan, the girliest thing about me is that I prefer wine coolers and daquiries over beer and wine. I found that humorous (and apparently he did too cause he laughed about it for, like, 5 minutes). I make this statement to pose this question: Is that true? And if so, is it OK?
I'm not sure about how I feel about him laughing because I'd rather have a strawberry daquirie over a Corona...I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I am SO not girlie that having something about me that's considered "feminine" is hilarious to my best friend.
I've never been a girlie kind of person. In elementary school, I would turn down trips to the mall with my friends because I had basketball practice and would use the heads of my Barbies for baseballs when I would loose one. I much prefer a good pair of jeans and a sweatshirt over a skirt and top any day, and I would rather spend my afternoons watching football with my dad and yelling at the TV or playing catch with one of my guys friends, than analyze the characters on Gilmore Girls with my girlfriends or paint my toenails while watching a chick flick. I sometimes feel less feminine or slightly lesser somehow in guys' eyes than some of the other girls I know because I'm like this, but on the whole, I like that guys seem to feel like they can come to me to talk and get advice about their girlfriends, rather than be the girlfriend that's giving them problems...on the whole...That's not to say that I didn't give my ex-boyfriend plenty of problems. He was so pissed with me breaking up with him that this Christmas break that passed was the first time he's spoken to me in 3 years. I suppose that God gave me this personality for a reason, so I'm going to learn to like it and will trust that there's a purpose to me being the way that I am.

unsettling uncertainty

Tonight has been kinda bitter-sweet.
Tonight I realized that me not coming back next year is a distinct possibility and that made me cry, but tonight I also...
-talked to a newly good friend who made me realize that God is God and He knows more than me and will take care of me and who gave me a much needed (and unexpected) hug
-hung out in the lobby and had some quality time with my best friend just sitting and talking about nothing in particular while still having buckets o' fun, therefore reminding me why I love him more than life itself...and he promised to play catch with me (i'm excited)
- got the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me said to me by the least likely person I ever would have expected to say it, thereby reinforcing the fact that Kyle Didriksen is on my top 10 list of coolest people ever to set foot in my life

Yes...tonight was neat.
I also realized tonight, however, that I have to say my summer goodbyes as if they were my forever goodbyes since I won't know until the end of the summer if I can afford to return to Fox. So, this April will be filled with extra tears and sadness because I won't be able to know whether the hug I will have given Dylan on my way out the door will be the last I give him for God knows how long (literally). I don't want that to happen...I want to give him a Hello hug in September too, so I must live with my friends like this semester is my last...I don't want to say goodbye, but I must prepare myself and those around for the fact that I might not be returning in the fall. I can only pray and apply for scholarships like there's no tomorrow and leave the details in God's hands, which are far larger and more capable than my own.
Trust...I must trust...