Today is April 15th. Graduation is on the 26th. You do the math.

That's not what I'm freaking out about any more...No, I'm freaking out about the rest of the summer and spending it in Newberg without Jordan. He's going to be working his ass off in Washington while I'm down here, finishing wedding plans and working and living at home. It's going to be just like last summer, and I am really not looking forward to it. The only redeeming factor is that the end result is our wedding, but it's the 3 months, 3 weeks and 4 days between now and then that I am really not looking forward to. There will be much crying myself to sleep every night for the first several weeks like last summer, especially since I have so many weddings to go to by myself and so much wedding planning to do without Jordan.

So after all of that whining, I am so incredibly excited for August 9. Now I just have to get there without going crazy.

poof! gone.

Wow. It's been a while.

Life is moving steadily forward, as it has the annoying habit of doing. I just got back from spending a week at a theatre conference/competition in Wyoming, for which I was considered for being one of the top 16 female actors in Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Colorado, and Wyoming. Alas, I didn't get chosen to go to nationals, which wouldn't suck so much if it wasn't for the fact that I'm graduating in a few months, and this was my last shot at the Irene Ryan title.
It hit me recently that I am officially done with theatre. I mean DONE, done. I have no more acting classes, I'm not in any more shows this year...I'm done. I want to get my masters but that won't happen until after Jordan graduates and who knows where we'll move to then, not to mention we probably won't be able to afford it.
I'M NOT DONE LEARNING YET!!!!! I want to keep going and learn more and get more of an education and just go go go! I'm not ready to be done!

61 more days until I graduate; 61 more days until I leave Fox with my degree in my hand and have to become an adult. I am scared shitless.

Stalking

Jealousy is my least favorite feeling...

Sick to my stomach, the nausea grows with every laugh and smile and hug.
He's mine.
I know this.
I'm not afraid that he'll turn to her.

...But the territorial female in me riles up, even though I know that there is no real threat to us as an "us". I want to cling closer, kiss harder, glare more threateningly; I want to hiss "Back off!" at her, even though I know that she is not really advancing. It's hard to be attached to someone who is attractive to members of the opposite sex. You never know if they're being staked out.

Insecurities in myself don't help either; knowing in my heart that he'll never leave me, but finding my mind wandering to those places that leave me utterly broken...Compound those with the giggling and the inside jokes and the shared interests that I do not share with him. It's a torment that I create for myself.
Damn me.

coming up

4 more performances before I am officially finished with my last main stage show at Fox...

Sad day...

I have to admit though, the last few days with no performances and no rehearsals have been amazing. I love having the evenings with Jordan to do homework and just be with each other. I am VERY much looking forward to next semester. It will be wonderful to be able to do wedding stuff with Jordan and have time to get better grades and it will be really really nice and with much less stress.

Jordan's parents and his little sister are coming this weekend, as is Dylan. It's going to be busy busy, but fun. I'm looking forward to it :0)

opened

Often I wish that I was more than I am.
That I was a better friend, daughter, fiance...

I want to be extraordinary; special.

I think that this is a common desire in most human beings, and especially in women who have a hard time feeling sufficient.
I feel insufficient a lot of the time, and I wish that I didn't.



I want to be better for you...MORE for you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, or you in general. I love you more than anything in this world, and I'm sorry that I will never be quite as much as you deserve.

I love you.

so much stuff

Well, things are moving along. There are rehearsals every night, with some new
friends that are amazing and make my day wonderful. I've finished trying to rehearse with one of the girls who was my scene partner for my advanced acting class, and we're moving into new stuff that looks really fun.

This weekend should be amazing...hopefully. Jordan and mines one year anniversary was last week, but we both had rehearsals going and I had theatre honors society meetings, so neither of us had the time to do anything together. We have Friday off of school AND no rehearsal, so we're supposed to go on a date. I'm really hoping that Jordan busts out something awesome and surprises me or something. We had a rocky day on the actual day of our 1 year, cause he had forgotten to say anything to me when I saw him that morning, and I thought it was because he had forgotten about it completely, when in reality he had planned on making dinner together and getting me flowers and everything, but had just forgotten to say something that morning. ANYway, we didn't get to do what he had wanted to do because of meetings and rehearsals, so long story short, I'm really praying that this weekend is phenomenal and that we actually have some time to see each other and spend time together outside of classes and rehearsals, cause that's really the only time we've been able to spend together. I'm kinda hoping that he'll plan something and surprise me and just make it great, cause he's never really made any "grand gestures", and hasn't done anything special to surprise me in a long time. Aaaaaand the girl in me really likes stuff like that :0)

I got to my bio class today and realized that the lab practicum that I had been studying for all day yesterday and all morning isn't actually until Thursday, which made me kinda happy cause it means that I'll have more time to study than I would have, and that I'm already pretty prepared for it.

I should go pay attention to rehearsal stuff now, I suppose.
Meh.


:0)

flatline

Friends, I seem to have hit a wall.

Life is progressing at a steady and uneventful enough pace to seem more like meandering rather than an actual movement forward. I go to classes I'm not very enthusiastic about (other than ceramics), rehearsals I don't particularly enjoy and am not really involved in, and spend my in-between time doing as little homework as possible to just get by and at least pass my senior year. I've hit a plateau. What's worse is that there are just enough little negative things to make my days more bad than good. I have a menial part in a show I don't like very much, and in which my fiance has to cuddle up with this gorgeous, tiny, Sarah Bernhard-meets-couture Audrey Hepburn, English rose type new comer (which of course makes watching rehearsals SO much more fun). My classes aren't bad per say, but I don't really feel like I have the time to get ahead; it seems like I'm always straining just to make deadline.

Anyway, compound this drudgery with the general feeling of ugly frumpiness that hits all females at some point, and can last for several days (or, in my case, weeks), and you've got yourself a great time. I need an excuse to get really dressed up and go somewhere fun and away from school and feel like I'm worth something again. Right now it just feels like I'm trudging along in some sort of atrophied of the soul. I'm not living...I'm just existing.